Right Within?

July 8, 2020| #whole, blogger, daddysgirl, grief, growth, journey

"I've learned how to pause, and stop when needed. Stop for the tears. Stop for the connection to the power within." You know the iconic lyric, "how you gonna win when you ain't right within?" Welp, the accuracy of it is uncanny. In a world of endless self-help tools (IG pages, books, podcasts, etc.), it is evident that there is a search for something just out of grasp. While Lauryn Hill used the context of romanticism as the backdrop for her profound lyric, the question penetrates the core of life, wholeness. Now, I am not here to debate on the source of wholeness (its The Trinity squad over here all day), yet I think it vital to emphasize that it takes faith, prayer and work, work, work, work, work. It also takes consistency and people divinely placed along the journey to nudge you toward the dark places that need illuminating. For me, I didn't recognize how foggy my path had become, engulfed by an unspoken sadness and unprocessed grief. Loss is difficult enough, and starting the process of losing your father three months before your high school graduation quickly became a defining moment of the next decade of my life. My desire to remain close to support my family led to me staying South, declining several scholarships to prestigious universities (including my dream school). Yet, the year that transpired between Valentine's Day 2007 at St. Vincent's hospital and that night I watched him take his last breath are not why I find myself writing.

I didn't stop... not to grieve, not to rest, not to reset. I returned to school and kept pushing full steam ahead. Yet I didn't realize that steam was a mist of anguish. There are years that are vague, memories that others recall that I cannot. I wasn't present - in friendships, in relationships, in family matters, none of it. I was a shadow of productivity and it took a decade before I realized the action step I needed to take was therapy. Once again, not here to debate on sources of wholeness. Therapy with a faith-filled professional was the truth! It was the first time I let it all out (sheesh, there was a lot in there). And the mist began to clear; I saw all the relationships I had neglected, and the dead ones I was still trying to water. I allowed myself, yes allowed myself, to grieve - the loss of my father, the loss of friendships, and the loss of myself. Most importantly, the connection to my faith strengthened. Some days there are the what ifs (I can write an entire book on my what ifs around not dedicating myself to pursuing medicine), and the tears fall, the self-doubt creeps in. It is at those times I'm reminded of the journey within. I'm thankful to be full steam ahead with a light source like none other. Nothing has been perfect, I've rushed into jobs and relationships, failed to communicate when exiting relationships when I could have (Casper, is that you?), and that's the beauty of the journey back to self. Through it all, I'm encouraged. The growth has been humbling to experience. The work has been sometimes difficult to process. I've learned how to pause, and stop when needed. Stop for the tears. Stop for the connection to the power within. Stop for you. After that, show up as your full self. That's it. That's the goal. Staying attuned to discernment keeps me right within, and always helps me find the way back home.